TIPS FOR A HEALTHIER, HAPPIER RELATIONSHIP
Tip #40
Confucius say; "Go into marriage with eyes wide open. Stay in marriage with eyes wide shut."
Tip #39
As you spend your energy today on your personal and professional tasks, be sure to leave an abundant amount of energy for your partner-instead of leaving the last drip drop of energy for your relationship. Plan ahead.
Tip #38
Women's assessment continued. Rate 1-10 with 10 being best:
* I encourage my partner to be the best he can be.
* I give my husband space to be a man and go to his cave to think.
* I am affectionate with my husband and respect his advances.
* I communicate my feelings to my husband and do not store resentment or harbor feelings.
* I am a fun partner.
* I don't complain or nag about an issue; I wait until the appropriate times to discuss matters.
* I express my feelings to my husband so that he hears them.
* I express my feelings in my husband's love language.
* I do jobs that my husband has a hard time doing and that we agree I should do.
* If I were my husband, I would want to be married to me.
Tip #37
Women, take this assessment...rate 1-10 with 10 being best.
1. I appreciate my husband and let him know that I do.
2. I enjoy the role of wife.
3. I support my husband's hobbies, interests, and talents.
4. I encourage my husband in his job.
5. I am a safe place for my husband to express his feelings.
6. I am accepting of my husband's differences.
7. I am likable.
8. I act in a lovable way towards my husband.
9. I am a good companion to my husband.
10. I do not nag; I wait for appropriate times to ask for help,favors, or assistance.
11. I respect my husband's differences.
Tip #36
Did you know that the brains of men and women are very different?
Women have more neurons in emotional, worry and intuitive centers of the brain which sets them up to be wonderful mothers. Men have more neurons in the visio-spatial parts of the brain. So men can usually find places better when driving but women know better when to ask for help in finding a place.
It is very interesting to note that while men watch TV their brain is 70% turned OFF and that women's brains are 90% turned ON when watching TV. That's probably why women can talk and multitask while watching TV.
Tip #35
Women's way of thinking: One must talk to the other person to show respect.
Man's way of thinking: One must be quiet and not bring up issues to show respect.
The men and women in the examples this past week are not right or wrong....just different!
Tip #34
Woman's way of thinking: One must talk to the other person to show respect.
Man's way of thinking: Being unrealistic about relationships is a mistake, as is complaining about and blaming others for things that can't be changed. Plus you are attacking!
Tip #33
Complaining that a relationship falls short of a romantic ideal is a way to let both partners share their disappointments and get closer.
Tip #32
Woman's way of thinking: People feel comfortable expressing opinions only when you ask them what they think.
Man's way of thinking: One must be quiet and not bring up issues to show respect.
Tip #31
Woman's way of thinking: Discussing a problem shows that you think the person is important even if the problem isn't.
Man's way of thinking: Pointing out that someone is in a bad situation is a form of put-down or pity.
Woman's way of thinking: Background details help someone understand a situation.
Tip #30
Man's way of thinking: There is no point in discussing a trivial problem. Just make a decision and be done with it.
Tip #29
Another example of the difference in how men and women think:
Woman: Talking about a problem can be a relief, and sharing complaints is a way to be close and supportive.
Man: Get to the point. Details are boring and often irrelevant.
Tip #28
Men and women think differently... ever notice that? Well here are some of the differences when a man and woman look at a situation: (keep in mind that not all men and women fit into this kind of thinking)
Woman comment: Asking a question is a good way to show someone that you are interested in him or her.
Man answer: Ask a question only when you want information.
Tip #27
Regarding synergy, studies show that one oxen fully yoked can pull about 1000 lbs. But it is interesting to note that two oxen pulling together can pull about 4000 lbs. The SYNERGY of two acting as one or one in purpose is powerful.
Tip #26
What does an appropriate marriage look like?
The goal is to create an "us" or a "we" way of thinking about the relationship. What are "we" going to do today? What is best for "us"? A person ought to be MORE of who they are when in the relationship rather then less. There should be a SYNERGY created in the partnership that causes the WE to be more than the sum of the two partners!
Tip #25
Take time to do some meta communication (which is talking about how you communicate). For example, I noticed that when we are upset , we ______and when I am sad I tend to _____ which makes you tend to ______. Do you agree?"
Tip #24
Do not lay all your thoughts out in one large paragraph. This is called flooding. Your partner will feel like they are drowning and then it is hard to know how to respond. Remember to stay on one topic at a time and keep your thoughts short and to the point. This applies if written or spoken.
Tip #23
If you have issues that are laying under the rug, get a professional to help you move that carpet and come to terms with what is going on. My dad taught me that "wise men seek counsel".
Tip #22
Learn to relax yourself and learn how to relax your partner during arguments. Touch your partner gently, breath, look up, pause and take a mental step back. NEVER fight if you are showing signs of fight or flight. This is where your neck veins poke out and you start to pant and say messed up things you don't mean! Take a TIME OUT when this happens. Sometimes 15 minutes is all it takes. Learn how to take breaks during heated discussions! But remember to agree to always come back to the discussion and don't shove it under the rug.
Tip #21
Studies show that husbands that accept influence from his wife have lower statistics of divorce. The woman typically looks through life with a wide angle lens. They may not always say things right such as, "You idiot, you are so selfish because you know Johnny needs more time with his dad!" What she is really saying is probably correct. Dad needs to spend more time with Johnny.....It would be nice if she said things nicer of course. None the less, listen to the woman.....it makes a difference.
Look beneath the smoke to the fire. Listen to her intent. Then both of you work on saying things better.
Tip #20
Thank your partner for two things today.
Tip #19
How can you build fondness in your relationship today?
Tip #18
Make room in your mind and in your life for your partner. This is called cognitive room.
Tip #17
Come forward rather than away! When in a problem with your spouse do not withdraw. Rather have the character to come towards each other to talk it out and resolve the conflict.
Tip #16
Delete Criticism!
Tip #15
Delete Defensiveness!
Defensiveness always comes from ego or pride. If you feel defensive you're trying to assertively protect yourself and you will stop listening or communicating at this time. Drop your ego and listen to your partner.
Always assess yourself as to whether your ego is flaring up.
Defensive = Ego
Tip #14
Do you try to understand your spouse's intents for what they do and don't do? If you were them you would do what they do...if you WERE them...
Tip #13
Is your love bucket getting more full? When it is full, you will begin to feel better and trust your relationship.
Tip #12
What are you and your partner's ways of filling your love bucket?
Tip #11
Shared meaning in your life is done through filling your love bucket and keeping your emotional bank accounts full. Make deposits of love each day such as thank you's, appreciation, pats, hugs, glances, etc.
Tip #10
Would you want to be married to you?
Tip #9
What do you now have to offer?
Tip #8
What qualities did you have to offer your partner, when you first met?
Tip #7
Why are you with or why did you marry your partner? Mention all the good qualities and feelings you had while dating that caused you to want to marry him/her.
Tip #6
Describe what a great marriage or relationship would be like with your person/partner.
Tip #5
On a scale from 1-4, 4 being a serious problem, how would you and your spouse rate the following?:
*Children, parenting
*Religion
*In-laws, extended family
*Recreation
*Communication
*Household management
*Showing affection
*Making decisions
*Friends
*Unrealistic expectations
*Money
*Sex
*Jealousy
*Problem solving
*Trust
*Independence
*Addictions
*Career decisions
*Time spent together
*Criticism, defensiveness
Tip #4
On a scale from 1-10 how would you rate the following categories? Each partner can take this assessment: Intimacy, adoration, parenting, religious beliefs, core purpose in life being together, finances, things in common, communication styles and skills.
Tip #3
When discussing areas of concern, address one area at a time and stay on that particular area and resist shifting from topic to topic.
Tip #2
Remember: If two people care, it almost always works.
Tip #1
It is important to find out where you are now in your relationship. Sit down with your partner tonight and take this assessment. Revisit this assessment each quarter.
Assessment , Yearly checkup-5 questions.
1. How are we doing?
2. What's good about our relationship now?
3. How well do we work together?
4. What do you need more of, from me?
5. When we disagree how can we understand each other better?
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10 WEDDING DAYS BLUNDERS TO AVOID April 5, 2010
1. Try not to get attached to your flower choices. Whey you book your florist, he can only guess which flowers are going to be available for your wedding day, especially if you book a year in advance. Think in terms of color and shapes rather than specific flowers.
2.Think twice before you send out save-the dates to everyone. Until you mail out your invitations, your guest list is not final. Friends you're close with when you become engaged may be mere acquaintances by your wedding day. Your wedding day is a day of celebration and should include friends and family that will make the day meaningful and memorable.
3. You will regret if you skip videography! Still photos tell only a small part of the story of your day of celebration. Video captures the tremble in your voice as you tear up to say "I do" and the joy and excitement of your friends and family as they celebrate with you!
4. Be careful not to blow your fashion budget on your dress. Say you have $1,500 set aside for your look. Items to consider in this cost are the cost of the dress, shipping and handling if it is not bought off the rack, sales taxes, undergarments, shoes, jewelry, make-up, and hair.
5. Avoid micromanaging your vendors. Even though it is tempting to want to control every detail of your wedding preparation, you don't have the time or energy. You have hired talented vendors to take care of their specialties. Relax and let them do the job you are paying them for. After your intial meetings, trust they will get it right. They almost always will.
6. Think hard before you pick your attendants. Your bridesmaids should be your best friends. Period. They are there to support and help you when you need it the most. Choose those people that will be there to support you in tough situations.
7. Please restrain yourself from telling everyone your plans. It's hard not to talk about your wedding celebration. Try. The more people you share with, the more opinions and "well-meaning" bits of advice you will receive. And the greater chance of surprises you plan being spoiled. This day is set aside to reflect the two of you--your personalities, your beliefs, your new beginning as you start your journey of life together. A day that is uniquely yours! The last thing you want is for someone to steal your grand finale because they're getting married before you.
8. Seriously stop booking your salon appointments last. It is your day! You need the attention of the stylist focused on you! Yes, you want your hair and make-up perfect; but the last in the chair is the last one worked on. Your bridemaid won't care if she is given a less-complicated up-do. This is not an option for you!
9. Don't even think about speeding through photos. Less than an hour isn't enough time for a photo session. An-hour-and-a-half is closer to ideal because you look more relaxed. If you don't want your groom to see you beforehand, take seperate pictures before the ceremony so all that is left afterwards are the pictures of you together.
10. Avoid hiring a "friend" instead of a pro. You want your friends to enjoy your wedding day celebration, not to have to work through it.